I’m doing this.

These past couple of months have been extremely bad, to be blunt. I made an incorrigible mistake, and many more after that. I don’t want this to be the only thing I’ll be remembered for being good at, i.e. screwing things up. I have to recompense. Sincerely and genuinely. I’ve got to cast aside all pride. This is me, trying to apologize. ‘Sorry’ doesn’t cut it. Empty promises don’t either.

I’m taking the advice.

From now on, I’m terminating all interaction beyond the superficial, be it in person or over any form of telecommunication, with <enter specific proper noun here>. Sure, it’s arguably about 3.5 months late, but, better late than never. Hopefully this will quell whatever suspicions anyone has, whomever it may concern.

It may not be much, but I’m convinced that, at the very least, this will have a positive impact. Of course I’m not doing just this. I’ve been doing other stuff too. Optimistically, hopefully, one day, things will change. But I know one thing for sure. I’ll fix this, even if it’s the last thing I do.

Why? Because I know you’d do the same if you were me.

My worth so far?

Well recently I had been given the chance to ponder over my positive contributions on the world around me, however minuscule. And I have to say, it’s a good vector for self-reflection. Am I worthy of remembrance?  

Let’s see, for the whole of my secondary school life so far, 3.5 years. 

Sec 1 was pretty much wasted. I was just a even more drastic image of what I am now. 

Sec 2 was pretty much just as bad, I think. Though I think both sec 1 and sec 2 the most I did was make a lot of people laugh a lot. And also quite a number to be mad, so I guess that evens out. 

Sec 3 was arguably the most positive. Took over :D. Got two awards for the unit (and for myself huahuahua). Taught the best batch of juniors who I would love forever <3. 

Then comes Sec 4. Whole of this half-year already so badly done. The whole ‘R’ incident, then this thingamajig. 

Am I worthy for people to remember? Evidently not. My liabilities and problems far outweigh my contributions. I am lacking. I always was. And that’s all I’ll ever be.

 

Unworthy.

Sssshhh.

After countless experiences and incidents, this time it finally hit home, I guess. 

I’m a noisy one. Extremely. I’m nosy, too. I do things to my own standards, without a care for other’s opinions. I do things without thinking. I unknowingly hurt people around me even if I started out wanting to hep them. 

I’ve always stuck my head into almost every situation. Then I’d find some stupid way, on my own, to see if I can somehow manipulate this situation for the better for all parties. I obviously fail especially badly. 

I don’t need to be this nosy parker all the time, but I just haven’t quite realized that. But I think this time the message finally hit home. So? How else can I express my regret other than saying that simple word? Apologizing by words obviously doesn’t work anymore. By actions, perhaps. 

I’m gonna be that one kid at the corner who doesn’t say anything. That person at the far end who just looks on and listens. The guy who just trails behind. No more of this activeness. The lad who just goes with the flow and nods to everything. The bloke with no opinions. That oughtta please some people, at least.

Epiphany

Recently, I’ve noticed that I rarely make any positive influence onto the people around me. If anything, my actions had an advese effect. They only serve to be a nuisance. Nothing good comes out of them.

My actions can only affect those close to me. What can I do to minimize my impact? (Lol too much geog LORMs )

I don’t deserve the friends I have now. And they don’t deserve to be constantly irritated and annoyed by me. I can only distance myself from them and hope that we will never cross paths again, in hopes they’ll forget they ever met a jerk like me. I don’t know if this is some grand selfless act I have once again concocted, or some lame selfish excuse to pretend to shoulder the responsibility.

But of course it’s not gonna be easy, considering the friends I have left are extremely nice people. To shake them off will be challenging. Getting them to hate me, to stay away from me. Shouldn’t be hard since I’m naturally detestable.

Empathize.

In the CL prelim 1, there was a comprehension passage that had the thesis statement “Be more understanding towards everyone around you. Put yourself into their shoes and think. ” Though it might not be the exact thing, since my Chinese sucks, it is something to that effect. Empathize. 

This may make me sound like I’m showing off or something, but really, I think I’m a very understanding person.

Whenever somebody does something that makes me feel angry, or makes me feel betrayed, or whatever, I stop and I think. If I were that particular somebody, what reason would I have to do that? Was it a heat-of-the-moment thing? Was it unintentional? Was it premeditated? If it was unintentional, or I let it go. Anything can be forgiven.

But if it was premeditated, I see why he would want to do it. If it’s because of something I did in the past, then ultimately it is my fault. So I also let it go, and apologize instead. 

But if it’s because of something else, then I naturally ask why. If the person give a perfectly logical reason, then I also let it go. But if it’s some fking bullshit answer then aw hell naw, biatch. go to hieel. 

Like that time somebody accidentally hit my phone off a ledge with a soccer ball and my phone screen cracked horribly. It was an accident after all. Why hold a grudge against him when he didn’t want it to happen too? As long as he apologizes, it’s cool.

Somehow, pretty much no one around me is like that. Maybe a couple, but not much. Everybody is so petty. Holding grudges over little things. Maybe because I’m like that, I automatically expect everyone else to be empathizing, too. Not only to me, but to other people as well. 

That ain’t the case. Sadly. Oh well, what can someone like me do but look on and sigh? After all, I am a subject of petty grudges myself. People hate me all the time. 

You have no right.

You know, when you told me to back away from her, to sort of distance myself from her, I actually wanted to. I knew that it was the right thing to do. As a friend, it was the least I could do to make you happy.

But now you’re broken up. And you’ve cut your ties with me. Who are you to say that I can’t be friends with her now? Who are you to act like you’re still the over-possessive boyfriend? The truth is you simply have no right anymore. Suck it up. The fact that I was close friends with her wasn’t exactly a secret. When you were with her, I hid it, of course. Now that you’re broken up, why should I hide it anymore? 

You don’t own her. You don’t own me either.